recovery


The talking about “getting rid of”, “disconnecting”, “cutting ties to” used by unprofessional therapists who are NOT SPECIALIST in big trauma and DID and when working with big trauma and DID clients their words only reinforces what they already do, would better be replaced by the talk about “paying attention to”, “embracing”, “listening carefully to”….

What kind of trauma is your therapist specialist in?

What kind of trauma is your therapist specialist in?

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I have shared – replying to David’s reply to Kathy’s blog post – how I died in order to get my life back ;-)

@ David – oh, my, I now understand a connection that was felt by some alters towards you despite the literary (intellectually) elitist defense that has frightened our other alters at your blog.

The alter, the suicidal (I prefer to label it self-hatred alter because I agree with my host that it is not the behavior but the extreme emotion what happens to be a driving force behind alters), you were describing above, is almost an exact copy of my self-hatred alter!

“(…) there is nothing that this alter admits to wanting, except wanting our shared body to be dead. S/he wants only the cessation of our existence

Reading the above quote, I had to smile because that’s how he felt, and he was deaf to all reasons and arguments coming from the rest of us (our system) and encouragements that he, too, can learn to enjoy life if he only let us help him.

He hated to be offered (or getting) help by anyone at all (even more than Ithe bold alterdo ;) )…

“(…) the only thing this alter ever does, aside from wishing we were all dead, is to sit in his/her room, watching static patterns on the television”

My self-hatred alter could be distracted by being shown the same cartoons over and over (any new cartoons would just make him want our body to cease to exist, no matter what.). Nothing could make him a bit happier or wanting to learn to enjoy life, those cartoons just distracted him (they didn’t make him any happier, though!). He had only one wish – to see me dead, and since I saw no other option but to let him express and fulfill his dream, a had a series of most vivid dreams.

In one of those dreams which I had in several  consequent (consecutive) nights I have thrown my body on the knife (going through my heart and I died).

The other dream was of experiencing heaving brain stroke and I could see my brain dying one brain center after another – until there was dead body left on the bed and I was leaving the body).

The third dream was of our body walking, refusing to hide, in the middle of atom bomb attack, exposing to the explosions until the body was fried to death.

Making his dreams true in a way,   make made him feel valid and acknowledged and his extreme feelings accepted by the rest of us (our system). It felt a kind of gift given to him by the rest of us that made him a satisfied little boy, and now being able to learn to enjoy life with the rest of us…

I have surprised other alters in our system by publicly declaring our system’s intention to become a trauma therapist one day here who will keep saying “I’m sorry” (and mean it).

@ BTC – I agree with you about the psychotherapists (in fact, anyone I happen to be in a non-equal relationship with, especially) having to be able to say “I’m sorry” (and mean it) *AND* repeat it, and reiterate it – as many times as the client (or part of the client in DID case) needs to hear it.

If/when I am going to become a psychotherapist myself one day, I know I’ll keep saying “I’m sorry” a lot!

But first I’m planning to build the promised website where the survivors could read as many times as they need God saying it to them!

As a therapist I plan to keep saying it very frequently not because I’ll be making mistakes very frequently (which I have no doubt I will do from time to time) but because I know it is needed by the clients.

And this is something probably not underlined enough in trainings, correct me if I am wrong.

Here is link to Samo’s post containing the link to promised website that has been finished somewhat later (it wouldn’t be if we were not supported by Castor Girl’s comments)

Below you can read my reply to Ivory’s reply to Kathy’s post at her blog.

She brought up to the surface an idea (I almost forgot about, thank you for reviving it again now, Kathy and Ivory) related to my own need as a childhood sexual abuse survivor to protest against – I won’t tell you in advance against what, I would prefer to invite you to read below against what and why etc

Ivory, or may I say dear Ivory?

You wrote “RE: #6: I have religious issues. For me, the abuse amplified the Deity in my belief, and erased any certainty I was important in His eyes. I can’t stop wondering, “Where was He?” I honestly believed that of all the people in my life, He would be the one to save me…”

I’d like to share with you my personal experience with the issue of religion, namely, God (those parts of me who don’t believe in God can still relate because they understand God as “representative of the whole society/community”, therefore everybody).

My personal experience made me want to hear God apologizing to the innocent children who were victimized because He did nothing about it!

And not only He is guilty for not helping at the time, but He is guilty also of not helping now by allowing some lay people (and sometimes professionals too to make it harder for survivors to 1. understand what happened to them, 2. to acknowledge, and 3. to get helped for it – because God lets people (like the DreamGuy at Wikipedia) to push their own denial on everybody else, not just on themselves by saying DID is mere pretending and iatrogenic!

I will only go to church when it will be written with large letters above the entrance “I apologize – God”.

Once I conversed with (another) survivor of childhood sexual abuse about the idea that there should be such a church somewhere because survivors do really need such a church, I said to her maybe  should it be called “The Church of The_Apologizing_God“?

She said it would be a good thing.

We feel it would be really a good thing because only that way God may be forgiven by the survivors for what He has let to happen to the innocent children!

Or I will tell God “be sure not to allow to happen it again, or you will be fired from your job, and we will find another god who will do his job better!”

She was laughing at my idea but she liked it anyway.  So I do.  Still. Even more now when you brought it up again, Ivory! Thank you and thank you Kathy for helping it being brought up!

P. S.
We were surprised to find there are – I couldn’t belive my eyes –  professional theologians  having similar ideas to the above idea when we stumbled upon a book titled “Facing the Abusing God” (written by rabbi Blumenthal who says we all should bless the act of fighting with God as the only means by which human dignity can be asserted in the aftermath of the holocaust and aftermath of the child sexual abuse, oh, there is even one blog mentioning the book, maybe I should write a blog post about it myself, too – a note to myself :) )

Googling for its title I was surprised to find a couple of  (I almost forgot there are other people writing stuff there, not only the DID deniers) Wikipedia articles quoting it, i.e. the  protest theology.

However noone else came up with an idea of putting those letters above the entrance of a temple/church/pagoda/whatever – in order for survivors of childhood sexual absuse to be able to forgive God for what he allowed to be done to innocent children.

Maybe it’s time to build an The_Apologizing_God” church/whatever online for those of us who need it on our path to our – not only bodily/emotional/psychosocial but also spiritual – recovery.

Should I really build such a website? Yes!

Below you can read an elaborated-on version (2.1) of the poem that was unexpectedly born as one of my replies to the Kathy Broady’s post involving Portia Nelson’s poem An Autobiography in 5 Chapters.

To visit the poem’s birthplace” at the Kathy’s blog click here .

I wonder should I  title it  More then An Autobiography in 5 Chapters ... or it would be more accurate to call it  An Autobiography in More Then 5 Chapters“.  Either way, this is how it goes…

– – – (version 2.3 of the poem) – – –

-II. (or two steps ago)

(corresponding to Step 1 in the chart)

I walk down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I am tripped up by somebody.
I don’t like it.
I tell them it is disgusting what they do.
They say: “Oh, come on, it’s nothing.
You didn’t fall in the hole, didn’t you?”.
“They are right”, I think,
“It could be worse”.
I continue walking as if nothing happened.

-I. (or one step ago)

(corresponding to Step 2 in the chart)

I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I get pushed so much I almost fall in the hole.
I am getting angry with them, but I hear:
“Why do you want to be angry now?
You didn’t yell when you were tripped up,
didn’t you? It’s no worse than before and
you didn’t do anything about it before,
didn’t you? So be quiet and go your way.”
“I did nothing before”, I think to myself
“they are right.” So I continue walking down
the street as if nothing happened.

zero level (or here we go)

(corresponding to Step 3 in the chart)

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
This time I get pushed so much I do fall
in the hole.
I get scared.
I am afraid.
I climb out and want to tell other people
what happened. But will they listen?
If they do, they can help me,
but if they don’t…

I. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart)

…I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I am alone. Only me and they
who can push me and step on me,
anytime.
I can’t hide. I freeze.
They might be everywhere.
When I’m in a hole, they say,
“You can only allow it to happen.
You have already allowed it. So,
it’s your fault,
isn’t it?”
I can’t bear the thought of
blaming myself. Another part of me is born.
S/he picks up the blame imposed by abusers
and continues walking down the street.
As if nothing happened.

II. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart,  elaborating on it furtherly)

The self-blaming alter walks down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
The alter blames him/herself when
finding himself/herself anywhere near a hole.
However, the alter can’t bear the thought
of punishing the body for it.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up
self-punishing behaviors
and continues walking down the street as if
nothing happened. To me. Or to the self-blaming

alter.

III. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart,  elaborating on it furtherly)

The self-punishing alter walks down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
The self-punishing alter gets “voluntarily”
near a hole in order to punish the body.
But the alter can not bear the thought of
being fatalistic about “their will being done”, anyway.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks
up the fatalistic behavior and walks
down the street as if nothing happened.
To me. Or to the self-blaming alter. Or to the self-
punishing alter.

IV. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 5 in the chart)

The fatalistic alter walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter lets their will be done,
but can not bear the thought of showing positive spin
(gratitude to them for having kept the body alive and for other good side-effects).
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up the paradoxical behavior
and walks down the street as if nothing happened. To me.
Or to the self-blaming alter.  Or to the self-punishing alter.
Or to the fatalistic alter.

V. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 5 in the chart, elaborating on it furtherly))

The paradoxical (positive spin) alter walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter stops by the hole and shows the
paradoxical gratefulness (positive spin),
but can not bear the thought of  showing proudness
of grandiose survivorship achievements.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up the
proudness of grandiose survivorship and continues walking
down the street as if nothing happened. To me.
Or to the self-blaming alter. Or to the self-punishing
alter. Or to the fatalistics alter. Or to the paradoxical
alter.

VI. Chapter

(corresponding to Step 6 in the chart)

The proud survivor walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter shows proudness of grandiose survivorship
to those around him/her, however can not bear the
thought of having a personal worth just like everybody
has in the first place.

– –

– –

– – – (end of the 2.3 version of the poem) – – –

I was not explicit enough by calling it (the poem) an illustration of the chart, so I will re-iterate here  each chapter corresponds to the steps shown in the chart and I am going to post the picture/chart again in order to show this correspondence.

Steps 4 and 5 from chart are being elaborated furtherly on in the above poem, so there is not a one-to-one correspondence between the two.

Chart

UPDATE 2009  If you wonder why the post has been categorized (and tagged) with “trans-generational trauma” category, as well, then click the following link  https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/a-poem-illustrating-the-flow-chart/#comment-17 to read the comment below about the “trans-generational trauma”  and/or  “second-generation victimization”. UPDATE 2010 – On Youtube there is a video offering a psychotraumatological explanatory framework for literary criticism based on the flowchart. You can see the video by clicking on the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6BoSpsgLzWU

UPDATE 2012 – A request (approved) for the flowchart to be quoted in a dissertation by Jacob  M. Metro was received in the comment here https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/about/

February 9, 2012 at 3:10 am e

Hi Sam’s Alter:

I am a researcher studying the effects of the double-bind on worker productivity. While your poem and flowchart aren’t explicitly related to the double-bind, you indicate a relationship that I would like to work on.

Rather than take your knowledge and rephrase it without citation, I would like your permission to use the flow chart or a modification thereof  (with full citation) as part of my research.

The version I am looking at is: https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/a-poem-illustrating-the-flow-chart/. Please let me know if I will be authorized to use your flow chart.

I don’t have any money with which to pay you royalties and this will be used only for inclusion in my dissertation. It will be disseminated within normal dissemination parameters for a dissertation (i.e. instructors, publishing, other cited individuals or groups).

I would be willing to share the results of my research with you once it is completed.

Sincerely,
Jacob

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